Purged for the first time in months tonight. We went out to dinner because we didn't have time to cook and that's what ended up happening. Although it was a good b/p, purge was gratifying and all that, I ended up just kind of feeling like it was a jerky thing to do to myself. I'm trying to lose weight but it feels impossible, no matter what I do, I get tempted at work and it all falls apart. I want to be nice to myself, but I also want to lose weight and not be fat for my engagement pictures and my wedding.
I think part of it is because the girl that's doing our engagement pictures is TINY, and that whenever I'm around anyone from my fiance's school, they are all TINY and it triggers the fuck out of me.

For instance, tonight at dinner, it was a big group of my fiance's friends from school, and all the girls are thin and small and ate salads daintily while I ate a whole sandwich and mounds of fries easily (though with the intention to purge, they had no idea). It's all just so shallow and lame and I want to start living without those fears and anxieties. But I feel that it won't be until I am thin that I will be able to live life freely without anxiety. Which is a stupid idea, but I've always felt that way.

I don't know what to do. I feel so shitty tonight, I might just go to bed and forget the day.

non-diet

     This used to be my old Atkins journal. Atkins worked for me but only to lose the first 15 pounds. I would start to feel kind of sick after a week and a half, but my cravings for sugar would be gone. I think it is safe to say that a low carb diet works for me, but that it is very hard to stick to. I have yo yo-ed with Atkins so many times that it is hard to count because I always get tired of eating the same foods, I would get confused with Phase 2 requirements (where one Atkins book says to climb the carb ladder, and another Atkins book says to eat berries and nuts). I love how I feel in Induction, how my cravings go away, but I always tend to overdo it with sugar free sweets. I'm tired of doing Induction over and over, and it depresses me to think of how many times I have done it.
     So now that I am getting married (and probably going to be trying on wedding dresses soon) I've decided to try to make a lifestyle change instead of the constant dieting. I am pretty ashamed that I have gotten to be this big to begin with. My resistance to give in to my past eating disorder, I think, has caused me to gain the weight.
     I think the only way for me to lose this weight, is to change my lifestyle. That means giving up processed foods and refined sugars, eating more vegetables and low glycemic fruits and protein. I think that trying to jumpstart my lifestyle change with a low carb week might be good to get rid of my cravings for sugar because that is usually what thwarts my weight loss efforts (especially since I work at starbucks).
     I was inspired by the way Marlena from makeupgeekTV  ( http://simplymarlena.com/weight-loss-journey/how-i-lost-90-pounds-and-kept-it-off/ ) lost weight, not by dieting, counting carbs or anything like that, but by slowly and permanently changing her lifestyle. That's what I want to do because I feel that it would heal me of some residual eating disordered behaviors, and it would stop the yo-yo dieting behavior that maddens me to no end.
     Tracking my food  is something I've always been so on the fence about. I don't like tracking because it tends to make me focus too much on calories and carbs, but when I don't track I am more likely to go overboard. So how can I track my food without it feeling like I am dieting? I'll have to figure it out, but for now I am going to try to keep track of my calories, roughly, and maybe my carbs as well.
I just wish this were easier. It's not fair that is has to be so damn hard.

somehow I made it to 167!! I think not recording everything and not being obsessive about counting carbs really helps me the most. I've changed my goal weight to turn into OWL at 150 instead of 145. Then I will move up the carb ladder (counting carbs WITHOUT being obsessive) and continue until I reach my goal of 130-125

bad day today but i did well with 20 net carbs. workout tomorrow

Yesterday:

2 eggs w/ 2 tbs heavy cream and mushrooms
3 strips bacon
1.5 cups coffee
2 pieces gouda cheese
2 chicken patties w/ veggies
sf choc syrup
2.5 rum and diet dr peppers
1 oz cream cheese w/ splenda and 2 tbs heavy cream
sf gum 2

[21]

today:

pepperoni
2 eggs w/ 2 tbs heavy cream and mushrooms
2 strips bacon
1 piece gouda
"chocolate" - 3
big taco salad with ground chicken

[18]

didn't exercise today. Too windy. However, I did a lot of walking at school all day so that must count for something. Will go on a walk tomorrow morning. Perhaps even run a little.

2 eggs w/ 2 tablespoons heavy cream and 1 tbs butter
1 cup coffee with 1 tbs heavy cream
3 slices bacon

chef salad at school

earl grey tea with half n half

taco salad with chicken, tomato, cheese, mayo and salsa on romaine

19.1

starting over for good.

today:

2 eggs 1 tablespoon heavy cream 1/2 tbs butter [1.6]
2 slices bacon
1/2 decaf 1/2 regular medium coffee with half and half and 2 splenda [4]

1 slice gouda [1]
1 cheese stick [1]

1 large zucchini and some sliced mushrooms [5]
cooked in 1 tbs butter and garlic

1.5 cups of broccoli [5]
1 can tuna
1/4 cup cheddar cheese
2 tbs mayonaise

chai tea with 2 splenda and 2 tbs heavy cream [2.8]

20.4
tomorrow will be my first exercise day.